Toaster's Handbook: Jokes, Stories and Quotations

“Nothing so frightens a man as the announcement that he is expected to respond to a toast.” Five hundred pages of jokes, stories and quotations filed A to Z, so the terrified speaker can find one fast.

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All This Week For

ONLY $4.00 "The divvle he does!" exclaimed Pat in disgust. "The dirty scab!"

A year ago a manufacturer hired a boy. For months there was nothing noticeable about the boy except that he never took his eyes off the machine he was running. A few weeks ago the manufacturer looked up from his work to see the boy standing beside his desk. "What do you want?" he asked. "Want me pay raised." "What are you getting?" "T'ree dollars a week." "Well, how much do you think you are worth?" "Four dollars." "You think so, do you?" "Yessir, an' I've been t'inkin' so for t'ree weeks, but I've been so blamed busy I ain't had time to speak to you about it."

The boy got his raise.

The difference between wages and salary is-when you receive wages you save two dollars a month, when you receive salary you borrow two dollars a month.

He is well paid that is well satisfied. --Shakespeare. The ideal social state is not that in which each gets an equal amount of wealth, but in which each gets in proportion to his contribution to the general stock. Henry George. Recipe for a waiter:

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Rights & ReuseThe complete text of Toaster's Handbook: Jokes, Stories, and Quotations (1914) is in the public domain in the United States — like all works published before 1928 — and is free to read, download, quote, teach from, and reuse. This digital edition (its transcription, restored images, and site design) is © 2026 PhotoOpAI, and any editorial commentary we add is clearly marked as ours; the underlying public-domain text carries no such restriction.