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General Conundrums: Bible
Where is the first banking transaction mentioned in the Bible? Ans.- When the Egyptians received a check on the bank of the Red Sea and Moses crossed it.
How do you know when night is nigh? Ans. -When thet (tea) is taken away.
What did Ruth do to offend Boas? Ans. --She pulled his ears and trod on his corn.
Why is the world like a slate? Ans. -Because the children of men do multiply thereon.
Who does the Bible say may carry on a flirtation? Ans. -It says Widow's mite (might).
Who was the most successful financier mentioned in the Bible? Ans.- Noah, because he floated a limited company when all the rest of the world was in liquidation.
When is a spoon like a pretty girl? Ans. When it is interesting (intea-resting). What does the sun do when it sets? Ans. -Makes a night of it. Why does a maltese cat rest better in summer than in winter? Ans.- Because summer brings the caterpillar (cat-a-pillow). Why do the recriminations of a married couple resemble the sound of the waves on the sea-shore? Ans. -Because they are the murmurs of the tide (tied).
Why is Russia like a fox? Ans. -It got Hungary and wanted Turkey. Why is an acquitted prisoner like a gun? Ans. --Because he has been charged, taken up and let off.
What notes compose the most favorite tunes, and how many tunes do they compose? Ans. -Bank notes, they make (four) for-tunes. When was beef the highest? Ans. - When the cow jumped over the moon.
What is the difference between one yard and two yards? Ans.-A fence.
Why is life the greatest of riddles ? Ans.-Because we must all give it up.
What animals are always seen at funerals? Ans. -Black kids. What grows the less tired the more it works? Ans. -A carriage wheel. Why do chimneys smoke? Ans. -Because they cannot chew. Why is a hen immortal? Ans. -Because her son never sets. Why is a balky horse called a plug? Ans. - Because he is a stopper. When is a ship most happy? Ans. When she rests on the bosom of a swell.
What is it which will be yesterday and wasto-morrow? Ans. -To-day, of course.
What sticketh closer than a brother? Ans. -A postage stamp-by gum.
Why is a fighter like a postage stamp? Ans. -Because he does not know when he is licked..
When a lobster seized the dog's tail, how did he travel? Ans.-Head foremost-and much against his will.
Why is a blind man apt to be an idiot? Ans. -The old adage says, out of sight, out of mind.
What is a country seat? Ans. -A milking stool.
Why is a young man who marries a boarding house keeper's daughter like a barrel of soft soap on board of a ship? Ans. -Because he has a soft thing on board.
What is the difference between a pretty girl and an apple? Ans. -The apple you squeeze to get cider, and the pretty girl you get cid-her to squeeze. Why is your nose in the middle of your face? Ans.-Because it is the scenter.
When did Cæsar first go the Irish? Ans. When he crossed the Rhine and went back to bridge it, (Bridget).
What great surgical operation does the manufacturing of maple sugar remind you of? Ans. -Tree-panning.
When does the rain become too familiar to a lady? Ans. When it begins to pat-her (patter) on the back.
Why is Satan always a gentleman? Ans.-Because being the imp of darkness he can never be imp-o-light.
How did Henry VIII. differ from other men as a suitor? Ans-He married his wives first and axed them afterwards.
Why was Goliath surprised when he was struck by a stone? Ans.- Because such a thing had never entered his head before. Why may carpenters reasonably believe there is no such thing as stone? Ans.-Because they never saw it.
When is paper money first mentioned in the Bible? Ans. - When the dove brought the green back to the ark.
Why is a man who makes pens very wicked? Ans.-He makes people steel pens and then says they do write.
What is the most difficult train to catch? Ans. -The 12:50, because it is "ten to one" if you catch it.
Why does a man's hair turn gray sooner than his moustache? Ans.- Because it is about twenty-one years older.
Why is a widow like a gardener? Ans. -Because she tries to get rid of her weeds.
How is it that the Queen is a poor gentlewoman? Ans. She possesses only one crown.
Why is a jolly dog like our country? Ans.-Because he is a merry cur, (America).
Why is a fighting cat like a surgeon? Ans. -They both mew-til-late, (mutilate).
Where should you prefer to have a boil? Ans. - In the kettle. Who was the first convict? Ans. -Adam, he was condemned to hard labor for life.
What medicine is a cross dog fond of? Ans. -Bark and wine, (whine). Why is a book like a tree ? Ans. -Because it is full of leaves. How many fathers has a man? Ans.-Nine. His father, his godfather, his father-in-law, his two grandfathers, and his fore (four) fathers. When does a farmer act with great rudeness towards his corn? Ans. When he pulls its ears, Why is a man without whiskers impudent? Ans. -Because he is barefaced. When is the moon like a sovereign fresh from the mint? Ans. -When it is new and bright.
Why is a man who is fond of his cigars like a tallow candle? Ans.- Because he will smoke when he is going out.
Why is an old man like a window? Ans.-He is full of pains, (panes). Why is a cry-baby's mouth like a tavern door? Ans. -Its always open. Why are real friends like ghosts? Ans. -Because they are heard of often, but seldom seen.
When is a dog's tail not a dog's tail? Ans. When it is a-wagon, (wagging).
Why is the letter D like a sailor? Ans. -Because it follows the C, (sea). Unable to think, unable to speak, yet tells the truth to all the world. Ans. A balance, or pair of scales.
Which weighs most, a pound of feathers or a pound of lead? Ans.- Both weigh alike.
When is a door not a door? Ans. When it is a-jar.
What is it that we value more than life, fear more than death, the rich man wants it, the poor man has it, the miser spends it, the spendthrift keeps it, and when we die we take it with us? Ans. -Nothing. What instance is given in the Bible where five slept in one bed? Ans.- Where Abraham slept with his forefathers.
Where did Noah strike the first nail in the ark? Ans. -On its head. If a fender and fire-irons cost three pounds, what will a ton of coal come to? Ans. To ashes.
Why is Athens like a candlestick? Ans. -Because it is in the midst of Greece, (grease).
Where can even the miserable alway find sympathy? Ans. -In the dictionary.
Why is an egg like a colt? Ans. -Because it is of little use until it is broken.
What part of London is a lameman? Ans. -Cripplegate, (cripple-gait). Which state is round at each end and high in the middle? Ans.-Ohio. Why is a beehive like a spectator? Ans.-Because it is a beeholder, (beholder).
What is it that we see every day, God never saw and never will see, and Paul seldom saw? Ans. -God never saw his equal, Paul seldom saw his, and we see ours every day.
Why is the eagle such a swell? Ans.-He is "well feathered" and a high flyer.
Where should the American eagle sit in a theatre? Ans. In the baldhead row. On what tree do babies grow and thrive? Ans.-Infantree. What is it in salt which never had a name? Ans. - Lot's wife. When is a chimney not a chimney? Ans. - When it is a little foul, (fowl). What is the latest thing in dresses? Ans. -Night-dresses. What moral lesson does a weather-cock teach? Ans. - It is a vane to a-spire.
What is that which goes from Boston to Providence without once moving? Ans. -The railroad.
What relation is that child to its own father who is not its father's own son? Ans. Daughter.
A burden fatigues him, and yet he does not carry it. Ans. -A rower with a laden boat.
Narrow gulf and long promontories, each terminated by a rocky plateau. Ans. The fingers.
Traveling over the country like a king, he yet visits each year the most humble hut. Ans. -Christmas.
How do we know the fair Queen of day has a lover? Ans. She is always followed by a night, (knight).
Why is a woman like the telegraph? Ans. -Because she is always in advance of the mail intelligence.
If Richard Jones were milking a cow too quickly, what ancient name would that animal mention? Ans. --Milk-easy-Dick, (Melchisedek). Why should railroad companies never employ astronomical engineers ? Ans.-Because they telescope their trains.
How do we know that nightingales are sports? Ans.-Because they have a high time after dark.
I went into the woods and caught it, I sat down to look for it, and then I went home with it because I could not find it? Ans. -A sliver. In a beautiful garden sat a beautiful maiden, the very first day of her life she became a bride, and she died before she was born; now tell what is her name? Ans. -Eve-in the garden of Eden.
Why is a man who has nothing but his illustrious ancestry to boast of, like a potato? Ans. -The only good belonging to him is under ground. Why would it be hard on ministers to preach without notes? Ans. – Because their families would suffer without the greenbacks. Born at the same time as the world, destined to live as long as the world, and yet never five weeks old. Ans. -The moon. Why is a rooster sitting on a fence like a penny? Ans.-Because it's head on one side and tail the other side.
What word is there of five letters that hy taking away two leaves but one? Ans.-stone.
Why can't a man starve to death in the Desert of Sahara? Ans.- Because of the sand-which-is-there, (Sandwiches there). Why is an elephant like a man going to a country house on a visit? Ans. Because he carries his trunk with him.
Why is the letter G like the sun? Ans. - It is the centre of light. What belongs to yourself, and yet is used by everybody more than yourself? Ans. -Your name.
Why is woman churning, like a caterpillar? Ans. She makes the butter-fly. Why is the nail fast in the wall like an old man? Ans. -Because he is infirm.
Why is St. Paul like a white horse? Ans. -Because they both love Timothy. Why is a mad man like two men? Ans. -Because he is a man beside himself.
Why are fixed stars like pens, ink and paper? Ans. -Because they are stationery (stationary).
What is that which a carriage cannot move without and yet is not of any use to it? Ans. -Noise.
On which side of the church does the yew-tree grow? Ans.-Outside. What object is it that is lower with a head than without one? Ans. A pillow.
Why is a cherry like a book? Ans. -Becanse it is red, (read). What is everything doing at the same time? Ans. -Growing older. Why is grass like a mouse? Ans. - Because the cat'l eat it, (cattle eat it).
Who is that great man who is allowed to sit before the Queen with his hat on? Ans. -The coachman.
Why does a schoolmaster resemble the eye? Ans.-He has a pupil under the lash.
Why is the letter N like a pig? Ans. -Because it makes a-sty nasty. What is that which lives in the winter, dies in the summer and grows with its roots upward? Ans. An icicle.
What is that which Bonaparte never saw, but which a common man sees every day? Ans. -His equal.
Where was Oliver Cromwell going in his last moments? Ans. -Going to die.
What is the weight of the moon? Ans. -Four quarters. What is the difference between a dog's tail and a rich man? Ans.-One keeps a waggin, and the other keeps a carriage.
Why is a sheet of writing paper like a lazy dog? Ans.-A sheet writing paper is ink-lined plain and an inclined plane is a slope up, (slow pup.) Why does a sailor know there's a man in the moon? Ans.-He has been to sea.
What is the greatest surgical operation on record? Ans. - Lansing, Michigan.
What bridge is warranted to support any strain? Ans. -The bridge of a fiddle.
Why does an aeronaut dislike the ascent? Ans. - It is generally a soar point with him.
What is the difference between an Irishman frozen to death and a highlander on a mountain-peak in January? Ans.-One is kilt with the cold, the other cold with the kilt. sea.
Why does the mariner need a great deal of sand? He scours the What is the difference between a farmer and a bottle of whisky? Ans.- One husbands the corn and the other corns the husband. What is it that is a cat and not a cat, and yet is a cat? Ans. -A kitten. What burns to keep a secret? Ans. -Sealing-wax.
Why is anger like a potato? Ans. - It shoots from the eye. When you open a window in a railway train, what is the first thing to catch your eye? Ans. -A cinder.
Why is a book like a king? Ans. -Because it has many pages. Why is a nobleman like a book? Ans.-Because he has a title. What is that which has a mouth but never speaks, and a bed but never lies in it? Ans. -A river.
Why is a pair of skates like an apple? Ans. -Because they have occasioned the fall of man. When does a cow become real estate? Ans. - When she is turned into a field.
What ship contains more people than the "Great Eastern"? Ans.- Courtship.
What ailment is the oak most subject to? Ans.-A-corn (acorn). What is the key note to good manners? Ans. -B natural. What tree bears the most fruit to market? Ans. -The axle tree. How is it that trees can put on new dresses without opening their trunks? Ans. -Because they leave out their summer clothing. What are the two most wonderful things on record? Ans. -Why, to see a cat-fish and a rope-walk.
What does an extravagant young man do with his vacation? Ans.- He spends his vacation as soon as he earns it.
What do you call a boy who eats all the melons he can get, whether they are green or old? Ans.-He is what we call a pains-taking urchin. What two animals carried the least into the ark? Ans. -The fox and the cock, because they carried only a brush and comb between them. What is the difference between a very fascinating young lady and her watch? Ans. -The watch makes one remember the hours, and the young lady makes one forget them.
Which is heavier, the full or the new moon? Ans. -The new moon; because the full moon is a great deal lighter.
What roof covers the most noisy politician? Ans. -Theroof of the mouth. What cord is that which is full of knots, which no one can untie, and in which no one can tie? Ans. - A cord of wood.
Why is a spendthrift, with regard to his fortune, like the water in a filter? Ans. Because he soon runs through it and leaves many matters behind to settle. Why are ships passing in and out of the harbor like the human race? Ans.-Because some fow (toe) out and some tow (toe) in. Why are teeth like verbs? Ans. -Because they are regular, irregular and defective.
What is the difference between a hill and a pill? Ans.-One is hard to get up, the other is hard to get down.
What is the difference between the wreck of a bank and the wreck of a ship? Ans. One is caused by the presence of rocks, the other by the scarcity of rocks.
Why does a freight car need no locomotive? Ans. -The freight makes the car-go.
What is the difference in value between a bride and bridegroom? Ans.- One is always given away, the other is sometimes sold. Why is a market like a love letter? Ans. -Because they both contain tender-lines. (loins.) What lake is a hill in disguise? Ans. -Lake Champlain. Why is a person playing blind-man's buff like benevolence? Ans. -It is a fellow feeling for a fellow being.
Why is a four quart jar like a lady's side-saddle? Ans. -Because it holds a gal-on, (gallon.) When is a lady's hair like the latest news? Ans. When its in the papers.
Why is a kiss like a rumor? Ans.-Because it goes from mouth to mouth.
Why were the Jews of old like bad debts? Ans. Because they killed the prophets, (profits.) Why is a vain young lady like a confirmed drunkard? Ans. -Because neither of them are satisfied with a moderate use of the glass. Why is a ward political speaker like a turkey? Ans. -Because he is sometimes stuffed with chestnuts.
When may a base ball nine say its "cake is all dough?" Ans. When it does not have a good batter.
When is a noted woman like bread? Ans. When given as a toast. What killed Joan of Arc? Ans. -Too much hot stake.
What should be put up for a rainy day? Ans. -An umbrella. Why is buttermilk like something that never happened? Ans. -Because it hasn't a curd, (occurred).
What is most like a hen stealing? Ans. -A cockrobbing, (cock-robin). Why is it better to lose an arm than a leg? Ans. -Because by losing a leg you lose something to boot.
What is the difference between the Sahara desert and a pewter image of Satan? Ans. -One is a dead level and the other is a dead devil. Why are lawyers the most intemperate people? Ans. -Because they are continually practicing at the bar.
What is it, which, the men that made it don't need it, the man that buys it don't use it for himself, and the person that uses it don't know it? Ans. A coffin.
What is the sharpest instrument mentioned in the Bible? Ans. The acts (axe) of the Apostles.
What is that which was born without a soul, lived and got a soul, but died without a soul? Ans. -The whale that swallowed Jonah. Why are spiders good correspondents? Ans. - Because they drop a line by every post, and at every house.
Why is a duel quickly managed? Ans.-Because it takes only two seconds to arrange it.
Why is asparagus like most sermons? Ans. -Because it is the end of it that people enjoy most.
Which is the oddest fellow, the one who asks a question, or the one who answers? Ans. -The one who asks, because he is the queriest. Why is Gibralter one of the most wonderful places in the world? Ans.- Because it's always on the rock, but never moves.
Why is the steeple of St. Paul's church like Ireland? Ans. -Because there is a bell fast (Belfast) in it.
What is a civil war? Ans. - A French duel.
What is political economy? Ans. - Splitting your vote. Why is a wagon load of bananas like the setting sun? Ans. -Because always a day goes (dago's) with it.
When may a musician be excused for not keeping time? Ans. - When he can make his hearers forget time.
When is a doctor most annoyed? Ans. When he is out of patients. When are gloves unsalable? Ans. - When they are kept on hand. Why is a billiard-maker like a stage prompter? Ans. -Because he gives the players the cue.
When is a theatrical manager like an astronomer? Ans. When he discovers a new star. Where can one find the best winter quarters? Ans. -Between two fires. Why should not the groom forget the plain circlet of gold when going to his own wedding? Ans.-Because a ring of the church bells will not answer as a substitute.
Why do you always make a mistake when you put on your slipper? Ans.-Because you put your foot in it.
What is a remarkable fact when a Chinese actor loses his head? Ans.- He is pretty sure to lose his cue at the same time.
What darkness is it that can be felt? Ans. -A black derby hat. What was the motto of the whale that swallowed Jonah? Ans. -Small profits and quick returns.
What is a good thing to part with? Ans. A comb.
What is best to make the Indian corn (corn's) grow? Ans.-Tight moccasins.
Why is a portrait like a member of Congress? Ans. -Because it is a representative.
How long did Cain hate his brother? Ans. -As long as he was Abel. What object gives more milk than a cow? Ans. - The milk-man and the milk-wagon.
What is it in all human nature that is perfect, yet has but one foot? Ans. A leg.
What does an envelope say when it is licked? Ans. It just shuts up and says nothing about it.
When day breaks, what becomes of the pieces? Ans. They go into mourning, (morning).
What becomes of the chocolate cake when your only son eats it? Ans.-- It vanishes into the empty heir, (air.) When is it dangerous to enter a church? Ans. - When there is a great gun in the pulpit, or a canon in the reading desk.
Why are bells used to call people to church? Ans. -Because they have an in-spire-ring influence.
Why is love always represented as a child? Ans. -Because he never reaches the age of discretion.
When does a caterpillar improve in morals? Ans. When it turns over a new leaf.
Why is an ear of corn a good listener? Ans. -Because it is attentive to the corn's talk, (corn-stalk.) Why is a young man like a kernel of corn? Ans. -Because he turns white when he pops-the question.
When is a fast young man nearest heaven? Ans. When on a lark. How do we know that the wagons had no sides at the time of Jacob? Ans. Because when Joseph sent for his father he cautioned his brother not to fall out by the way.
Why is a pig a paradox? Ans. -Because it is killed first and cured afterward. Why is a specimen of extra fine handwriting like a dead pig? Ans.- Because it is done with the pen.
Why is the blush of modesty like a little girl? Ans. -Because it becomes a woman.
What is the difference between an engine-driver and a schoolmaster? Ans.-One minds the train, the other trains the mind. A lady asked a gentleman how old he was? He answered, my age is what you do in everything? Ans. -Excel, (XL.) How can you distinguish a fashionable man from a tired dog? Ans.- One wears an entire costume and the other simply pants. Why is love like a potato? Ans. -Because it shoots from the eyes, and gets less by pairing, (paring.) What Islands would form a dainty and cheerful luncheon for a party? Ans. Sandwich and Madeira.
What is that which we all can eat, and often drink, though it sometimes is a woman and often a man? Ans. - We eat toast and drink a toast. What is the difference between a corrupt city official and a church bell? Ans.-One steals from the people, and the other peals from the steeple. When is longhand quicker and more accurate than shorthand? Ans.- When it is on a clock.
What is the best food for dyspeptic people? Ans. - Oysters; because they die-just (digest) before they are eaten.
What trade should one follow in order to cut a figure in the world? Ans. A sculptor.
Why did the Highlanders do most execution at Waterloo? Ans.- Because every man had one kilt before the battle began. When does water resemble a gymnast? Ans. When it makes a spring. Why is fashionable society like a warming-pan? Ans.-Because it is highly polished but very hollow, What is society composed of? Ans. A mixture of mister-ies and misseries. one.
What wind do we naturally look for after Lent? Ans. -An Easter-ly Why are heavy showers like heavy drinkers ? Ans.-Because they usually begin with little drops.
What is the difference between the Mormon's religion and their wives? Ans. Their religion is singular, but their wives are plural. Why do tailors make very ardent lovers? Ans. -Because they press their suits.
Why is a young man in love like a knocker? Ans. -Because he is bound to adore, (a door.) Why is a list of celebrated musical composers like a saucepan? Ans.- Because it is incomplete without a Handel.
In what colored ink should we write our secrets? Ans. -In violet, (inviolate.) Why is a doctor never seasick? Ans. -Because he is used to see sickness. What one thing is it which neither allopathist nor homeopathist can cure, or upon which they can pronounce an opinion? Ans. It is, what cures dislike.
What are the most marvelous of the world's wonders on record? Ans The man who ate his dinner with the fork of a river, and then tried to spin a mountain top.
Why are misfortunes like borrowed umbrellas? Ans. -Because they are more care-lessly carried.
When is water a coward? Ans. - When it runs.
How can a man with no wings be said to be "winged" in an "affair of honor?" Ans. -Because in going out to fight a duel he makes a goose of himself.
What is the most difficult lock to pick? Ans.-One from a bald-head. What is the dog-star pronounced to be? Ans. -A sky-terrier. In what place are two heads better than one? Ans. In a barrel. How do little fish have a proper idea of business? Ans. -Not being able to do better, they start on a small scale.
Whom did Robinson Crusoe meet on the desert island? Ans. -A great swell and a little cove running inland.
Why were two canaries named "Wheeler" and "Wilson?" Ans.- Because neither one nor the other was a "Singer."
Why is chloroform like Mendelssohn? Ans. -Because it is one of the great composers of modern times.
How can a man be constantly up to the time o'day and yet never carry a watch? Ans. -Because he always wears stockings with 'clocks" on them.
When is a dog most like a human being? Ans. When he is between a man and a boy.
Why do agricultural laborers leave the farms? Ans. -Because a farm is a cumbrous and inconvenient thing for them to take along with them. What key opens the penitentiary for a dissipated man? Ans. Whis-key. When do dogs most resemble cards? Ans. When they belong to a pack.
What is a natural slave? Ans. -The serf of the sea.
What bird is in season all the season, and extra when necessary? Ans.- The weather-cock.
What are the most patient objects in the shape of humanity? Ans.- Statues.
Who are the men that have made their mark? Ans. -Those who can't write.
What vine does beef grow on? Ans. -The bo-vine.
What melancholy fact is there about a calender? Ans. -There's no time when its days are not numbered.
What is the only pane of which everyone makes light? Ans. -A window pane.
Why is the railroad track a particularly sentimental object? Ans.- Because it is bound by close ties.
If a short man marries a widow, what will his friends call him? Ans.- The widow's mite.
How does a man with a wheelbarrow carry his load? Ans.-He carries everything before him.
What did the whale gain in the little transaction between him and Jonah? Ans. -The whale got all the prophet.
When time flies, what does the orchestra leader do? Ans.-He stands still and beats time.
What is the beginning of eternity, the end of time and space, the beginning of every end, and the end of every place? Ans. -The letter E. On the coast the ducks and cranes have very large bills. What bills are larger than theirs? Ans. -The hotel bills at the sea-shore. If your uncle's sister is not your aunt, what relation is she to you? Ans. Your mother.
Why is a postman like a college professor? Ans. -Because he is a man of letters.
Why should potatoes grow better than any other vegetable? Ans.- Because they have eyes to see what they are doing.
From whence proceeds the eloquence of an American lawyer? Ans.- From his mouth.
When is coffee like the soil? Ans. When it is ground. What is that which increases the more it is shared by others? Ans.- Happiness.
At what time by the clock is a pun most effective? Ans. When it strikes one.
Why is the Ohio river like a drunken man? Ans.-Because it takes in too much Monongahela at Pittsburg, runs past Wheeling, gets a Licking past Cincinnati, and falls below Louisville.
Which was the first "trick horse" on record? Ans. -The wooden one in which the Greeks entered troy.
Why is the letter R indispensable to friendship? Ans. -Because without it your friends would be fiends.
What odd number when beheaded will become even? Ans. Seven. What method is the best to keep moths out of old clothing? Ans. It is recommended to give the clothing to the poor.
How many brains has a hog? Ans. -A hogs-head full.
When may a man be said to breakfast before he gets up? Ans. When he takes a roll in bed.
Why was Pharaoh's daughter like a banker? Ans. -Because she got a little prophet (profit) from the rushes on the bank. What is the difference between an oak tree and a leopard's tail? Ans.- One is rooted to the spot, and the other is spotted to the root. When could the British Empire be purchased for the lowest sum? Ans.- When Richard, the Third, offered his kingdom for a horse. How would it work if all the postoffices were in charge of women ? Ans.-It would work so well that the males would arrive and depart every hour in the day.
Give a good definition of a button. Ans. -A small affair that is always coming off.
How many wives does the prayer book allow you? Ans. -Sixteen, for (four) better, for (four) worse, for (four) richer, for (four) poorer. Why is it hard to tell the politics of the man in the moon? Ans.- Because sometimes the moon is wet, and sometimes it's dry. Then, again, it is periodically full.
Why are a person's cyes like friends separated by the ocean? Ans. - Because they correspond but never meet.
Why are pipes such humbugs? Ans.-Because the best of them are mere shams, (meerschaums.) A man remarks, looking at a portrait, "uncles and brothers have I none, but this man's father is my father's son." What relation is the original of the portrait to the speaker? Ans.-His son. When is charity like a top? Ans. -When it begins to hum. What table has no legs to stand upon? Ans. -The multiplication table. Why are young men like telescopes? Ans. -Because you can draw them out, see through them and shut them up again.
What two playful animals has the human body? Ans.-Calves. Why is a dead hen better then a live one? Ans. - Because she will lay wherever you put her.
Why is music cheaper on Sunday than during the week? Ans. -Because during the week you get it by the piece, and on Sunday you get it by the choir, (quire.) Why is a false friend like the letter P? Ans. -Because, although first in pity, he is always last in help.
Why is an empty purse expressive of constancy? Ans. -Because you find no change in it.
Why is a good speller of a spelling match like a glass of champagne? Ans.-Because they both go to the head.
What vegetables are dangerous in a ship and harmless on shore ? Ans.- Leeks, (leaks.) What was the parting salute of a runaway pig? Ans. -Excuse haste and a bad pen.
What trees has fire no effect upon? Ans.-Ash trees, as when burned they're ashes still.
What is the most astonishing thing on a steamboat? Ans. -A walking beam.
Which is the most valuable, a five-dollar note or five gold dollars? Ans. The note; because when you put it in your pocket you double it, and when you take it out again you see it in-creases.
Why are dealers in glass-ware unlike all other dealers? Ans. Because it won't do for them to crack up their goods.
Why is a true and faithful friend like garden seeds? Ans. -Because you never know the value of either until they are put under the ground. Why is a plum pudding like the ocean? Ans. -Because it contains many currants.
What benefit can be derived from a paper of pins? Ans. -It will give you many good points.
When does the House of Representatives present one of the most ludicrous spectacles? Ans. -When its ayes (eyes) are on the one side, and its noes (nose) on the other.
What ability has one who is quick at repartee? Ans. -A great responsibility. Of what trade are all the Presidents of the United States? Ans.- Cabinet makers.
Who was the fastest runner in the world? Ans. -Adam, because he was the first in the race.
What kind of a cat do we generally find in a large library. Ans.- Cat-alogue, Why is a fair-haired doll like jelly? Ans. -Because its made with eyesin-glass (isinglass.) What article that we wear is most affectionate? Ans. -A porous plaster, because it becomes very much attached to us. What are the lawyers' degrees of comparison? Ans. It is hard to get on, harder to get 'onner, (honor) hardest to get 'onnest (honest.) How many young ladies does it take to reach from New York to Philadelphia? Ans. -About one hundred because a miss is as good as a mile.
Why can negroes be safely trusted with a secret? Ans. -Because they are sure to keep dark.
Why are pianos noble characters? Ans.-Because they are grand, upright and square.
At what game do the waves of the sea play? Ans. -At pitch and toss. If a woman were to change her sex what religion would she be of? Ans. She would be a he'then (heathen.) What kin is the door-mat to the door? Ans. -A step-father. (a step farther.) Why is a lame dog like a school boy adding six and seven together? Ans.-Because the dog puts down three and carries one. Why is a very demure young lady like a steamship? Ans. -Because she pays no attention to the swells that follow her. Why is a chicken pie like a gunsmith's shop? Ans. - Because it contains a fowl-in piece.
Although great wealth is said to harden the heart, what is every millionaire sure to be? Ans. -A capital fellow.
What is a dark-horse? Ans. -The night-mare.
What is the fruit of finance? Ans. -Currant coin.
Who is a man of grit? Ans. -A sugar refiner.
Who is an inspector of customs? Ans. -A fashion writer. Why is a coachman like the clouds? Ans. -Because he holds the reins. What did Adam first plant in the Garden of Eden? Ans.-His foot. Why does the Salvation Army walk down Broadway on their heels? Ans.-To save their soles, (souls.) Why is a cobbler's shop like the world? Ans. -Because it contains both good and holey (holy) soles, (souls.) What is the difference between a jailor and a watchmaker? Ans.-One watches cells and the other sells watches.
What is there about a house that seldom falls, but never hurts the occupant when it does? Ans. The rent. What should be looked into? Ans. - The mirror.
Who always enjoys poor health? Ans. -The doctor.
What pay did Pharaoh's daughter get when she made baby-clothes for Moses? Ans. -She made them for a very little prophet. Why is a good story like a church bell? Ans. - Because it is often told, (tolled.) Why is your nose and chin always at variance? Ans. -Because words are constantly passing between them.
In what respect are truth and roses alike? Ans. They have thorns about them.
Why is a proud woman like a music book? Ans. -She is full of airs. Whose best works are most trampled on? Ans. -The shoemaker, because good shoes last ionger than bad ones.
Why is a jailor like a musician? Ans. - Because he fingers the keys. Why are the stars the best astronomers? Ans. -Because they, have studded (studied) the heavens for years.
What should be done with a squalling baby at church, and a good resolution? Ans. -They should both be carried out. Why is a beggar like a baker? Ans. -They both need (knead) bread. Why was Noah, when in the Ark, like a disappointed rat catcher? Ans.-Because it was forty days before he saw ere-a-rat, (Ararat). Why is an egg underdone like an egg overdone? Ans. -They are both hardly done.
Why is an orange like a synagogue? Ans. -Because it is full of Jews, (juice).
Why is a tight boot like an oak tree? Ans. -Because it produces a corn, (acorn).
Why is a dressy young man arranging his cravat complacently before a glass the happiest man in creation? Ans. -Because he is in love with himself and has not a rival upon earth. After the battle of Leipsic, why did Bonaparte have plenty of funds? Ans. Because he had received a check on the bank of the Elba. What is the difference between an old penny and a new dime? Ans.- Nine cents.
What object goes round the house, and round the house, then round the garden and makes but one track? Ans. -A wheelbarrow. What is the legislature, the judiciary and the executive to the United States? Ans. -The legislature is the heart of the State, the judiciary the brains, and the executive its head.
Why are political orators very much like a great river? Ans. -Because they are always the loudest and muddiest at the mouth. Why are clergymen like brakemen? Ans. -Because they do a great deal of coupling.
What is a sure sign of an early spring? Ans. - It is a cat watching a hole in the wall with her back up.
How can a lawyer help his client? Ans. -When the client tells him the plain truth; he could put in the lies himself.
What is meant by lightning-bug piety? Ans. -Bright while it lasts, but cold, and soon out.
When is a dog counted mad? Ans. When he won't take something to drink.
Why are convicts like packs of cards? Ans. -Because there is a knave in every suit.
What did a drunken man think when he slipped down on an icy sidewalk? Ans.-He thought it very singular that the water always freezes with the slippery side up.
What is the most startling of all transformations? Ans. -When a square man turns round when the time comes for him to pay his bills. Why is it difficult to flirt on mail steamers? Ans.-Because all the mails (males) are tied up in bags.
Why cannot a deaf man be legally convicted? Ans. -Because it is unlawful to condemn a man without a hearing.
Who is the oldest lunatic on record? Ans. -Time out of mind. Why are ships like some fortunes? Ans.-Because they are built on stocks.
What is the Chinese Government after? Ans. - More tails to its kite. Why is it nonsense to pretend that love is blind? Ans.-Because you never knew a man in love that did not see ten times more in his sweetheart than others did.
What is it which you break if you even name it? Ans.-Silence. What is the political character of a water-wheel? Ans. -Revolutionary. What is that will give a cold, cure a cold, and pay the doctor's bill? Ans.-A draught, (draft).
Why is the vowel O the only one sounded? Ans. -Because all the others are in audible.
When has a man brown hands? Ans. - When he is tand'em driving. What fish is most valued by a young lady. Ans.-Her-ring (engagement ring.) Why is an icy sidewalk like music? Ans. -Because if you don't C sharp, you will B flat.
Why does a hen lay her eggs? Ans.-Because if she would drop them, she would break them.
What is the difference between the cradle and the grave? Ans.-The one is for the first born, the other for the last bourne. What kind of swell luncheon would hardly be considered a grand affair? Ans.-A luncheon of dried apples and warm water, which is really a swell affair.
What is that which is lengthened by being cut at both ends? Ans.-A ditch.
Why is Father Time like a fashionable young man? Ans, -Because he travels by cycles, (bicycles).
What is that which is too much for one, enough for two, but nothing at all for three? Ans. -A secret.
What things increase the more you contract them? Ans.-Debts. Why is Asia like a market in Thanksgiving or Christmas week? Ans.- There is always a Turkey in it.
If you were to ride a donkey what fruit would you resemble? Ans. -A pair.
When is a newspaper like the blood of a healthy man? Ans. When it has a good circulation.
What trade is certainly one in which a man will never make a cent except by sticking at it? Ans. -Bill-posting.
What is that from which the whole may be taken and yet some remain? Ans. The word "wholesome."
Why is twice ten like twice eleven? Ans. -Because twice ten make twenty and twice eleven make twenty-two, (twenty, too.) When should we read the book of Nature? Ans, - When Autumn turns the leaves.
What is that which denotes the state of the mind and of the body? Ans. The tongue.
Why is early grass like a penknife? Ans.-Because the spring brings out the blades.
When is a horse like a house? Ans. - When he has blinds on. What was the difference between Noah's Ark and Joan of Arc? Ans.- One was made of wood, the other was Maid of Orleans. When giving invitations to a dancing party, what single word will tell the hour to begin dancing? Ans. -At-ten-dance, (attendance.) When does a farmer double up a sheep without hurting it? Ans. -When he folds it.
Why is the Emperor of Russia like a greedy schoolboy on Christmas day? Ans.-Because he's confounded Hung-a-ry and longs for Turkey. What must you add to IX to make it six. Ans. -The letter S. What is the difference between an auction and sea-sickness? Ans.-One is the sale of effects, the other is the effects of the sail. Why is it easy to force your way into an old man's house? Ans.- Because his gait (gate) is broken and his locks are few. What is the hardest tax to raise? Ans. -"Carpet tacks," (tax.) Why is a very amusing man like a bad shot? Ans. -Because he keeps the game alive.
What did Cæsar die of? Ans. -Too many Roman punches. What is that which we often catch, yet never see? Ans. -A passing remark.
Which is the strongest day in the week? Ans. -Sunday; all the rest are week (weak) days.
Why is Berlin the most dissipated city in Europe? Ans.-Because it is always on the Spree, (the river so called.) Why has a barber a more extensive business than any other man? Ans.-Because it extends from pole to pole.
What is the difference between stabbing a man and killing a pig? Ans. The man was assaulted with intent to kill. The pig was killed with intent to salt.
Why are corn and potatoes like Chinese idols? Ans.-Because they have ears but can't hear, and eyes but can't see.
When people are quarrelling out of doors, what should they do? Ans.- Co-in-cide, (go inside.) Why did Joseph's brothers put him in the pit? Ans. -Because it was a good opening for a young man.
Who had the first entrance into a theatre? Ans. -Joseph, when he was taken from the family circle and put in the pit.
When a young man calls upon his sweetheart, what should he carry with him? Ans. -Affection in his heart, perfection in his manners and confectionery in his pockets. What must all the letters of the alphabet be in order to possess infinite sagacity? Ans. -Wise, (y's) yy ur, yyub, icuryy for me. Too wise you are, too wise you be, I see you are too wise for me.
For what was Eve created? Ans. -For Adam's Express Company. What kind of essence does a young man like when he pops the question? Ans.-Acquiescence. Is there anything which no locomotive is heavy enough to draw? Ans.-Yes, a train of thought.
What are the two battering rams of good and evil? Ans. -The tongue and pen.
How can you make a tall man short? Ans. -Try to borrow money of him.
What is the difference between a life of leisure and a life of idleness? Ans. They are the same thing, only different titles. What is it that every man hath in his head? Ans. -His cricket, which he makes sing as he pleases.
Why should women make better firemen than men? Ans. -Because they are accustomed to the use of longer hose.
What did the blind man say to the policeman when he told him he would arrest him if he did not move on? Ans. - "I'd just like to see you." Why is the Mississippi the most eloquent of rivers? Ans.-Because it has a dozen mouths.
Why is a Chinaman never perplexed? Ans. -Because no matter where he finds himself, he always has his cue.
What is the difference between a man and his boots? Ans. -The boots get tight by imbibing water, but he doesn't.
In what respect are flowers and rich men alike? Ans. They both fling their wealth upon the vacant air, (heir).
Why is snow like a maple tree? Ans. -Because it leaves in the early spring.
Why would a person not like to gaze on the Niagara forever? Ans.- Because they would always have a cataract in the eye. In law courts what relation are the judges, sergeants and counselors to each other? Ans. -They are brothers-brothers-in-law. What is the longest word in the English language? Ans. -Smiles, because there is a mile between the first and last letters. What is said to be the bone of contention? Ans. -The jaw-bone. What is that which, supposing its greatest breadth to be four inches, length nine inches and depth three inches, contains a solid foot? Ans.-A shoe.
Why should the robins in their nests agree? Ans.-Because if they did not they would fall out.
Why is a meerschaum pipe like a water-color artist? Ans. -Because it draws and colors beautifully.
Why are conundrums and riddles like monkeys? Ans.-Because they are far fetched and full of nonsense.
Why does a lady think her husband a Hercules? Ans. -Because he can't get on without his "club."
What is it that is taken from a mine and shut up in a wooden case, from which it is never released, and yet it is used by everybody? Ans. -A lead pencil.
What word taken either backward or forward, one-half will make a number, the other a snare? Ans. -Ten-net.
Why is playing chess a better occupation than playing cards? Ans. - Because you play chess with two bishops and cards with four knaves. Why do men go out of the theatre? Ans. -Because some plays are so solemn that the men have to go out to smile.
What is the difference between a long and a short yarn? Ans. -The difference of one's feelings in holding a skein for one's grandmother and one's sweetheart.
What does the husband do who misses a train he has promised his wife to return by? Ans. -"Catches it," when he gets home. Why should Pope Leo XIII. be a very unlucky man? Ans.-Because he is always the thirteenth at table.
What is pitch chiefly used for in the United States? Ans. -For pitching tents.
Why should the superintendent of a printing establishment be considered the best read man going? Ans. -Because there's proof that he reads every hour of the day.
Who is the man who invariably finds things dull? Ans. -The scissorgrinder. Why don't foreign noblemen marry poor American girls as well as rich ones? Ans. They have no principal, hence no interest, and without either a poor girl cannot bank account (a count).
Why is Westminster Abby like an ash-pit? Ans. -Because it contains the ashes of the great, (grate). • Is there anything the man with a kodak can't take? Ans. -Yes; a hint. What is the greatest feat in the eating way, ever known? Ans. -That recorded of a man who commenced by bolting a door, after which he threw up a window, and then sat down and swallowed a whole story. What does the agriculturist find by experience is the hardest thing to raise on a farm? Ans. -The money to run it.
Why are two T's like hops? Ans. -Because if put in the center of beer makes it better.
What is the difference between the French pastry cook and a bill sticker? Ans.-One puffs up the paste, the other pastes up the puffs. What do lawyers do when they die? Ans. -Lie still.
Why is the Isthmus of Suez like the first U in cucumber? Ans. -Because it is between two seas, (C's.) If I were in the sun and you were out of it what would the sun become? Ans.-Sin.
When is a thief like a reporter? Ans. When he takes notes. When was wit a father? Ans. -When a pun became apparent (a parent). Who was the unfortunate speculator? Ans. -Jonah, because he got sucked in.
What did the seven wise men of Greece do when they met the sage of Hindoostan. Ans. -Eight saw sages (ate sausages).
Why is the law like a flight of rockets? Ans. -Because there is great expense of powder, the cases are well got up, the reports are excellent, but the stocks are sure to come to the ground.
Why is a proof-reader like a man sent to jail for drunkenness? Ans.- Because he serves in the house of correction.
Why would an owl be offended at your calling him a pheasant? Ans.- Because you would be making game of him.
Why is a clergyman's horse like a king? Ans. -Because he is guided by a minister.
Why does the conductor cut a hole in your railroad ticket? Ans. To let you pass through.
What is that nobody wishes for, but if he has it he wants to gain it, and if he gains it he has it no more? Ans. -A lawsuit. Why are book-keepers like chickens? Ans. -Because they have to scratch for a living.
What is the greatest eye sore in a farm yard? Ans. A pig-sty. If a young lady who has a beautiful full blown rose should eat it leaf by leaf what would the rose resemble ? Ans. -A Rosette, (Rose-ate.) If you had to swallow a man what kind would you prefer? Ans.-A little London porter.
What is better than God, worse than the devil, the dead live on, and the living would die if they lived on? Ans.-Nothing. Which is swifter, heat or cold? Ans.-Heat, because you can always catch cold.
Why is a restless man in bed like a lawyer? Ans. -Because he lies on one side, then turns around and lies on the other, and remains wide awake all the time.
If all the women went to China, where would the men go? Ans.-To Pekin.
When may bread be said to be alive? Ans. - When it has a little Indian in it.
What is that which has neither flesh nor blood, yet has four fingers and a thumb? Ans.-A glove.
Who were the shortest men spoken of in the Bible? Ans.-Nehemiah, (knee-high-miah), and Beldad the Shuhite, (shoe-height.) When was Napoleon First most shabbily dressed? Ans. -When out at Elba, (elbow.) How was Adam and Eve prevented from gambling? Ans. Their pair o' dice was taken away from them.
Where is it mentioned in the Bible of playing cards? Ans. - When Neb-euchard-nezzar (Nebeuchadnezzar) the Great.
Why is a prudent man like a pin? Ans. -Because his head prevents him. from going too far.
What is it that a man, no matter how smart he is, overlooks? Ans.- His own nose.
Why is a clock the most modest thing in creation? Ans.-Because it always keeps its hands before its face, and however well it goes, is always running itself down.
What was it a blind man took at breakfest which restored his sight? Ans.-He took a cup and saw, sir, (saucer.) What is it we all require, what we all give, what we occasionally ask for, yet very seldom take? Ans.-Advice.
Why is a judge's nose like the middle of the earth? Ans.-Because it is the centre of gravity.
Which is the most moral musical instrument? Ans. -An upright piano. Why is a stick of candy like a race horse? Ans. -The more you lick it the faster it goes.
A blind beggar had a brother, and that brother died; now what relation was the blind beggar to the brother that died? Ans.-His sister, as the blind beggar was a woman.
Mention the name of an object which has two heads, one tail, four feet on one side and two on the other. Ans. -A lady on horseback. Why may we suppose that Noah had beer in the ark? Ans. -Because the kangaroo went in with hops, and the bear was always bruin. What is that which we often return yet never borrow? Ans. Thanks. What is the difference between a bee and a donkey? Ans.-One gets all the honey, the other gets all the whacks, (wax.) When a colored waiter drops a platter of roasted turkey, why does it create a great continental disaster? Ans. - Because it is the fall of Turkcy, the overthrow of Greece, the ruin of Africa, and the breaking up of China. Why is a large log lying across the street like a dead dog's tail? Ans.- Because it stops a wagon, (waggin.) What is the difference between a postage stamp and a donkey? Ans.- The stamp you stick with a lick and the donkey you lick with a stick. What was the color of the wind and waves in a storm? Ans. -The wind blue, the waves rose.
What is that which we receive without thanks, which we enjoy without knowing how, which we bestow on others without knowing where it is to be found, and which we loose without being sensible of its loss? Ans. -Life. Why was Blackstone like an Irish vegetable? Ans. -Because he was a common tatur, (commentator.) What was it Queen Mary had before, King William had behind, and Queen Anne never did have at all? Ans. -The letter M. Why are parliamentary reports called "Blue Books"? Ans.-Because they are never re(a)d.
Why is a bald head like heaven? Ans. -Because there's no parting and dyeing there.
When is butter like Irish children? Ans. - When it is made into little pats.
Why don't they take fare from policemen on the trolley cars? Ans.- Because they can't get a nickel out of a copper.
Why is it dangerous to take a nap on the steam cars? Ans.-Because the cars run over sleepers.
What is we all frequently say that we will do, and no one has ever yet done? Ans.-Stop a minute, What part of a fish weighs the most? Ans. -The scales. What is it that stands aloft and regulates our daily movements, yet feels no interest in our concern, directs us when to go and when to come, yet cares not whether we attend or not; still, thus indifferent to our fate, it often strikes a heavy blow to urge us on? Ans. -A clock. What is the worth of woman? Ans. -Double you O man.
What misses are of a very jealous temper? Ans. -Miss Give, (misgive) and Miss Trust, (mistrust.) What misses are those whose days are always unlucky? Ans. -Miss Chance, (mischance) and Miss Hap, (mishap.) Why is a street-car like the heart of the coquette? Ans.-Because there is always room for one more to be taken in.
Why should a horse never be hungry? Ans. -Because most of the time he has a bit in his mouth.
What is the difference between a wise man and a fool? Ans. - The wise man knows he knows nothing, the fool thinks he knows all. Of what trade is a minister at a wedding? Ans. -A joiner. When is a newspaper the sharpest? Ans. - When it is filed. What is the largest room in the world? Ans. The room for improvement. Why are a haunted house, a bottle of alcohol, a prancing young horse, and a corner tavern alike? Ans. -Because they are full of spirits. Why is a chrysalis like a hot roll? Ans. -Because it's the grub that makes the butter-fly.
When is sugar like a pig's tooth? Ans. When it's in a hog's head. Why should a minister be believed? Ans. -Because he is nearly always accurate, (a-curate).
Why is the fly the best one among the grocers' customers? Ans.- Whenever he comes for sugar he settles on the spot.
Why is a man after a wine supper like an umbrella? Ans.-He is always used up.
What does Santa Claus put in his own stockings? Ans. -A pair of fattened calves.
When is a hat not a hat? Ans. When it becomes a young man or a young lady.
How do the Jews, the Moors and the Christians spend money? Ans.- The Jews spend at Easter, the Moors at marriages and the Christians in suits of law.
Why are laws like the ocean? Ans. -The most trouble is caused by the breakers.
When does a man shave with a silver razor? Ans. -When he cuts off his heir with a shilling.
What is it you must keep after giving it to another? Ans. -Your word. What coat is finished without buttons and put on wet? Ans. -A coat of paint.
What is the most popular paper at the summer resorts? Ans.-Flypaper. What happens to the man who is given an affront? Ans.-He is usually taken aback.
What trade does the sun follow in the month of May? Ans. -Mason (May-sun).
When does man feel girlish? Ans. -When he makes his maiden speech. Why is a cabbage run to seed like a lover? Ans.-Because it has lost its heart.
What is that which Adam only of all mankind never saw, and never possessed? Ans.-Parents.
Why is a sheep like a professional gambler? Ans. -Because he is brought up on the turf, gambols in his youth, herds with blacklegs, and is fleeced at last.
In what respect does a piano-lamp resemble a society-club man? Ans.- It has a good deal of brass about it, requires much attention, is not remarkably brilliant, is something unsteady upon its legs, liable to explode when only half full, flares up occasionally, is always out at bed-time; and is bound to smoke.
Why is a committee of inquiry like a cannon? Ans. -It makes a report. What object has two heads and one body? Ans. -A barrel. What word is there which contains all the vowels and in their proper order? Ans.-Facetiously.
Why is a woman deformed when mending her stockings? Ans.-Because her hands are where her feet ought to be.
Why is a hat like a king? Ans. -Because it has a crown. What great Scotchman would you name if (John) your footman knocked at the door? Ans. -John Knox.
Why does a stingy German like mutton better than venison? Ans.- Because he prefers "zat vich is sheep to zat vich is deer." Which would you rather, that a lion ate you or a tiger? Ans.-Why, you would rather that the lion ate the tiger, of course. What is the difference between a light in a cave and a dance in a tavern? Ans.-One is a taper in a cavern and the other is a caper in a tavern. Ink, What is that which though black itself enlightens the world? Ans.- Can you tell me the best way to make the hours go fast? Ans. - Use the spur of the moment.
What is the difference between love and war? Ans.-One breaks heads, the other breaks hearts.
Which are the lightest men, Irishmen, Scotchmen, or Englishmen? Ans.-In Ireland there are men of Cork; in Scotland men of Ayr; but in England on the Thames they have lighter men.
What is the difference between a milkmaid and a swallow? Ans. -The milkmaid skims the milk, the swallow skims the water. What is that which never asks any questions, but requires so many answers? Ans. -The door-bell.
Why is love like a canal boat? Ans. -Because 'tis an internal transport. When is a lawyer like a donkey? Ans. When drawing a conveyance. Why is a dog biting his own tail like a good manager. Ans. -Because he makes both ends meet.
Why are apples like printers' types. Ans.-Because they are often in pi (pie).
What is the difference between M. De Rothschild, the loan broker, and King Herod? Ans. -King Herod was king of the Jews and Rothschild was Jew of the kings.
When is a schoolboy like a postage stamp? Ans. When he is licked and put in the corner to make him stick to his letters. If Old Nick were to lose his tail, where should he go to supply the deficiency? Ans. To a corner tavern or a gin palace, because there bad spirits are re-tailed.
What is majesty, deprived of its externals? Ans. -A jest (ma-jest-y.) Why is a blush an anomaly? Ans. -Because a woman who blushes is admired for her cheek.
What is the difference between an honest and a dishonest laundress? Ans.-One irons your linen, the other steals it.
Why are fowls the most economical things a farmer can keep? Ans.- Because for every grain they give a peck.
When may ladies who are enjoying themselves be said to look wretched? Ans. When at the opera, as then they are in tiers.
Why is a book your best friend and companion? Ans.-Because when it bores you, you can shut it up without giving offense. Why is a watch dog bigger by night than by day? Ans.-Because he is let out by night and taken in in the morning.
What is the difference between a spendthrift and a pillow? Ans.-One is hard up, the other soft down.
Why is the nose on your face like V in civility? Ans.-Because it is between two eyes.
What is the difference between the dinner bell and the belle of the kitchen? Ans. - One is made of brass and the other is maid-of-all-work. What is the difference between the Prince of Wales, an orphan, a baldheaded old man and the gorilla? Ans. The first is heir apparent, the second has ne'er a parent, the third has no hair apparent, and the fourth has an hairy parent.
Why is a glass-blower the most likely person to set the alphabet off at a gallop! Ans. -Because he can make a D-canter.
Luke had it first, Paul had it last; boys never have it; girls have it but once; Miss Sullivan had it twice in the same place, but when she married Pat Murphy she never had it again? Ans. -The letter L. What is the very best and cheapest light, especially for painters. Ans.- Daylight.
How is a poultry dealer compelled to earn his living? Ans. -By fowlmeans. Why is a good man like a bright jewel? Ans. -Because all his actions shine.
If you see a counterfeit coin in the street, why should you always pick it up? Ans. Because you may be arrested for passing it. Why is Satan like a poker? Ans. -Because he belongs to the fire-place. At what age should a man marry? Ans. -At the parsonage. Why is a lawn mower like the keeper of a bucket shop? Ans. -Because it shaves the green.
Why is a short negro like a white man? Ans.-He is not a-tall black, (at all.) Name the first girl and boy mentioned in the Bible? Ans. -Gen-e-sis (Genesis) and Chap I.
What is an eaves-dropper? Ans. -The icicle.
Why is a pastry cook like an apothecary? Ans.-He sells pies and things, (poisoned things.) What is that which every living man hath seen, but never more will see again, I ween? Ans. -Yesterday.
Why is an apothecary like a wood-cock? Ans. -Because he has a long bill.
When is a nose not a nose? Ans. When it is a little radish, (reddish.) Why is an island like the letter T? Ans. -Because it is in the center of water.
Why is a schoolmaster like the letter C? Ans.-He forms lasses into classes.
Why is the letter L like dinner? Ans.-It comes before T, (tea.) Why is sin like a picture frame?
Why is sin like a picture frame? Ans.-Because it is gilt, (guilt.) Why are the actions of men like great rivers? Ans. -Because we see the course they take, but not the course from whence they spring. Why is a beggar like an attorney? Ans. - He is a solicitor. What question is that to which you must always answer yes? Ans.- What does YES spell?
Why is a young lady like a sheaf of wheat? Ans.--First she is cradled, then thrashed, and finally she becomes the flour of the family. I went out one day to take a walk, and met three beggars; to one I gave ten cents, to the second I also gave ten cents; and to the third I gave but five cents. What time of day was it, by the amount I gave away? Ans.- A quarter to three.
What is that which is put on the table and cut, but is never eaten? Ans. A pack of cards.
What is that which is full of holes and yet holds water? Ans. A sponge.
When is a man obliged to keep his word? Ans. When no one will take it.
How many soft boiled eggs could a giant eat on an empty stomach? Ans.-One, for after that his stomach wouldn't be empty. Why does the preacher say that there is no marrying in Heaven? Ans. - Because there wouldn't be enough men there to go around. Who was the first straight man mentioned in the Bible? Ans. -Joseph; as Pharaoh made a ruler of him.
When does a farmer perform a miracle? Ans. - When he turns his horse to grass, and also when he turns his cow into pasture. Why was Joshua worse off than the poorest orphan? Ans. - He was the sun of Nun, (none).
Which animals in Noah's ark were of a religious disposition? Ans.- Those that were beasts of prey.
Why is a stormy, windy day like a child with a cold in its head? Ans. - It blows it snows, (it blows its nose).
What letter in the alphabet is most useful to a deaf old woman? Ans.- The letter A, because it makes her hear.
Why are young women like peas? Ans. -Because they are at their best when they are young and tender, and green.
What is the cheapest feature of the face? Ans. -Nostrils, two for a scent, (cent).
What history is it that repeats itself? Ans. -The history of nations. Your private history is repeated by the neighbors.
When were walking-sticks first mentioned in the Bible? Ans. When Eve presented Adam with a little Cain, (cane).
Why is a baker a most improvident person? Ans. -Because he is continually selling that which he kneads himself. Why is divinity the easiest of all professions? Ans. -Because it is easier to preach than to practice.
What is the only thing some men raise on their farms? Ans. -Mortgages. What is that which occurs twice in a moment, once in a minute, and not once in a thousand years? Ans. -The letter M.
What is a good substitute for fire kindling? Ans. -Some of the funny stories about the fireside, for they are enough to make even the fire roar. Black and white and red (read) all over. Ans. -A newspaper. What heavenly thing and what earthly thing does a rainy day most affect? Ans.-The sun and your boots; it takes the shine out of both. Why is a printing press like the forbidden fruit? Ans. - Because from it springs a knowledge of good and evil.
What object is walking over the water and under the water, yet does not touch the water? Ans. -A woman crossing a bridge over a river with a pail of water on her head.
A house full and a yard full, but you can't catch a bowl full? Ans.- Smoke.
If a young lady fell into a well, why couldn't her brother help her out? Ans.-Because how could he be a brother and assist her (a sister) too? What is that by losing an eye has nothing left but a nose? Ans.- Noise.
What is the brightest idea in the world? Ans. -Your eye dear, (i-dea), Why is the Louvre the cheapest palace that was ever built? Ans.- Because it was partly built for one sovereign, and then finished for another. Why is an attractive young lady like a successful gambler? Ans.- Because she has such winning ways.
What makes a pet dog wag his tail when he sees his master? Ans. - Because he's got one to wag, What lesson of life can the small boy learn from the fire engine? Ans.- It must work or it can't play.
Why does rancid butter remind you of our country? Ans. -Because our country is the Union, and "in union there is strength." Why can the world be compared to music? Ans. -Because it is so full of sharps and flats.
Why is A like a honeysuckle? Ans. -Because a B follows it. What is the board of education? Ans. -The schoolmaster's shingle. Why should an artist never be short of cash? Ans. If he knows his business he can always draw money.
Why is bread like the sun? Ans. -Because it rises from the yeast. Why is a stereoptican man a turncoat? Ans. - Recause he is continually changing his views.
How do fish live in the sea? Ans. -Why, as men do on land, the great ones eat up the little ones.
Who whistled the first tune and what was it? Ans. - The wind. Over the hills and far away.
When is a thermometer like a vegetable? Ans. - When it's up at eighty, (a potaty.) What letters of the alphabet are like to come too late for dinner, supposing the whole to be invited? Ans. -Those that come after T. When a penniless man marries a rich farmer's daughter what do people exclaim? Ans. -For the land's sake.
Why are men sometimes like dough? Ans. - It is not because a woman needs (kneads) him, but because he is hard to get off her hands. When is a newspaper like a delicate person? Ans. When it appears weekly.
What does a stone become when in the lake? Ans. -A whetstone, (wet stone.) What is sharper than a razor? Ans. -Hunger.
Why is an avaricious man like one with a short memory? Ans.-He is always for-getting.
What are the most wonderful things to see? Ans. -A cow slip through a fence, and a cow hide in a bucket.
Why is it absurd to call a dentist room the (dental parlor)? Ans.- Because it is the drawing room.
Why is a needle one of the most persistent of forces? Ans.-It always has an eye open for business, and invariably carries its point. Why should cocks be the smoothest birds known? Ans. -Because they always have a comb about them.
Why should a housekeeper never put the letter Minto her refrigerator? Ans.-Because it will change ice into mice.
Why is a tennis player like a society youth of limited means? Ans.-- He is obliged to miss the ball when it comes high.
What will make pies inquisitive? Ans. -S will make spies of them. Why is a baker like some very disreputable people? Ans. -Because he's a loafer and a white-cap.
Why does a sculptor die a most horrible death? Ans. -Because he makes faces-and busts.
When is a river like a violin? Ans. - When it is bridged. Why are whigs and wigs alike? Ans. -Because they both profess an attachment to the crown.
What is the singular fact about a blunt man? Ans. -That he is apt to make the most cutting remarks.
What word makes you sick if you take one letter away? Ans.- Music, (U-sick.) If Dick's father be John's son, what relation is Dick to John? Ans.- His grandson.
How many sides are there to a tree ? Ans.-Two-inside and outside. Why does a miller wear a white hat ? Ans.-To cover his head. Where is happiness always to be found? Ans. -In the dictionary. What is the oldest tree in England? Ans. -The elder. Of what trade is the sun? Ans. -A tanner.
Where did the witch of Endor live? Ans. -At Endor, Who is the greatest of home-rulers? Ans. The baby.
In what place did the cock crow so that all the people in the world could hear him? Ans. -In Noah's Ark.
What net can only big fish get into? Ans. -The cabi-net. What must a good surgeon have to be successful? Ans.-He must have an eagle's eye, a lion's heart and a lady's hand.
What do tender-hearted surgeons do? Ans. --Make foul wounds. Which is the meanest and most disagreeable uncle? Ans. -The carbuncle. What kind of lights did Noah have in the ark? Ans. -Arc lights, of course.
Why is U the merriest letter in the alphabet? Ans. -Because it always comes in the midst of fun.
What is the most expensive part of a box of strawberries? Ans. The bottom; it comes high.
What one word in the Bible represents the father calling his son and the son answering him? Ans. -Benhadad (Ben-ha-dad).
If all the letters in the alphabet were on a mountain, what letter would leave first? Ans. -D would begin the descent.
Why is there some reason to doubt the existence of the Giant's Causeway? Ans. There are so many shamrocks (sham rocks) in Ireland that this may be one of the reasons.
What would a window say on being smashed by a falling tree? Ans.- "Oh-tree-mend-us," (tremendous).
From a number that's odd cut off the head, it then will even be; its tail, I pray, next take away, your mother then you'll see. Ans. - Seven, even, eve.
What piece of coin is double its value by deducting its half? Ans. – Halfpenny.
I live upon my own substance and die when I have devoured myself. Ans. A candle.
When bridal parties are on the train, how is it that the cars jar and rattle so? Ans. -The old adage says: The course of true love never did run smooth.
What mechanic never turns to the left? Ans. -A wheelwright. Why is opening a letter like taking a very queer method of getting into a room? Ans. - Because it is breaking through the sealing (ceiling). Why is an artist stronger than a horse? Ans. -Because he can draw the capitol at Washington all by himself and take it clean away in his pocket, if necessary.